


All that I wanted was to be wanted

by Knight_of_darkness



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Violence, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Protective Beau, Protective Jester Lavorre, Sharing a Bed, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22426057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knight_of_darkness/pseuds/Knight_of_darkness
Summary: Trent’s magic curled inside her, tugging and scratching and from one moment to the next she was back on her knees. Vomiting, coughing, hacking. Blood dripping, ears ringing, flowers, whole flowers hitting the floor. Incapable of breathing. She grasped at her throat, coughing, trying to free her airways.Or,Beau had always known love hurt but she'd never imagined it like this.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & The Mighty Nein, Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 22
Kudos: 275





	All that I wanted was to be wanted

Beau downed the last shot, pushing the empty glass to the others. The burning sensation in her throat worsened. Groaning, she stretched, bones popping. Afterwards slouching on the stool once more.

Beau rubbed her neck, gaze hazy as it swept over the few remaining patrons. Nott had gone to bed not long after their exercise in _confiding_. Her lips pulled into a sneer. Fuck. What had she been thinking?

Her hands clenched around nothing as the urge to punch something arose. Nott. Of all people. Yet Nott had started it. Talking about rugged jawlines and moonlight, about Caleb and it had made her mind flash with fanged smirks. Of cool, smooth skin brushing against hers, of lilac eyes sparkling with mischief.

A firm grip on her shoulders and a heart-stopping Beau, _I just want you to know that both I and the traveler believe in you echoing in her ears_. It rolled of her tongue with ease, more a fond whisper into her cup than a confession to Nott. Too ensnared by the beating of her own heart and her racing thoughts.

“Give me the whole bottle.” Beau growled as the barkeep passed her and he did with a grunt.

She tossed a few golds on the bar top. Hand trembling as she grabbed the bottle by the neck, remembering Nott’s horrified grimace and her high pitched _Me? It’s me?_

Beau shook, biting back the sudden nausea as the room became unbearable hot. She brushed it off, standing up and leaving the bar, bottle clutched in her hand. Inhaling deeply as the cold night air bit at her skin.

Jester would react the same way if she knew. The same thinly veiled disgust coloring her voice. No, Jester wouldn’t. Rather a too bright smile would appear on Jester’s face. Her voice an octave to high as she said this won’t change anything. Covering her emotions with laughter and smiles. Jester would distance herself, look differently at Beau. Turning them into strangers to one another once more.

Beau took a greedy gulp from the bottle trying to drown these thoughts. She never should have said anything. Her vision started to swim, the itching in the back of her throat returning with vehemence.

_No, it’s Jester_. Dripping from her lips like blood. Heart thumping hard in her chest. Nott’s disbelieving _What_ in her ears.

Beau flinched against the harsh light of a lantern, a troupe of guards passing her. Some glancing at her and she glared back to exhausted for anything else. She took another gulp, shivering. _I could be her beacon_.

Beau laughed coldly. She couldn’t believe she said that. Her throat closed up as she pressed herself against the nearest wall. Head bent back as she blinked up to the night sky. She would never be light. Never be good and certainly never be anything positive, a positive influence in anyone’s life. Her a beacon?

Shit, her own audacity. The only thing she was capable of was fucking shit up. Missions, People, Friendships. She might as well have given Nott a match while she was holding a powder keg, ready to destroy everything.

Beau coughed her lungs spasming. _It’s not anything serious? No, no, of course not._ Her grip on the bottle tightened. _I didn’t think she was your type. I don’t think she thinks I’m her type_. The words curled around her insides, scorching up her throat like acid.

She threw up, her legs giving out beneath her. Chest heaving as she coughed. Whole body trembling, her eyes stinging. Beau blinked as she dry heaved, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

Disgusted as something stuck to it. Her inebriated brain left confused, looking down at a single blue, violet petal no vomit in sight. She rubbed it between her fingers; it had the same texture as a flower petal. Caduceus must have brushed off some on her. Beau coughed again, throat left raw. Fuck, she was more plastered than she had thought.

She took another swig, spitting it out at the side, hoping the bitter taste would leave her mouth. Knees shaking as she rose from the ground. Stumbling back and catching herself on the wall. She growled. Throwing the bottle further down the street and listened to the satisfying crack as it broke.

Somehow, she staggered back to the tavern they were staying at. To the room Jester and her shared. Breathing softly, she slipped into the room and tiptoed to the washing basin. Cleaning her face and hands while listening to the adorable snoring coming from the occupied bed.

Too tired to resist, she dared a quick glance to the other side of the room, coughing into the silence. Moonlight illuminated blue skin, golden jewelry on curled horns. Jester on her side facing into the room, legs tucked against herself. Sprinkles laid out from her neck to her shoulders and the blanket bunched up at her feet. Features smoothed out in sleep, face smooshed into the pillow. Beau’s fingers twitched, wanting to reach out. Aching to push back the strands of hair falling into Jester’s eyes, which made her nose scrunch up adorably.

Instead, she pulled at the blanket, tugging Jester back in. Smiling at Jester mumbling and burrowed herself deeper in it. Afterwards falling into her own bed, slipping into an alcohol-induced sleep.

* * *

“I’m gonna go sleep in my own room.” Beau broke the silence, noting Caleb’s hunched form, the obvious panic lingering in his eyes.

She wanted to help him, to stop his fidgeting hands that scratched at his arms but she had nothing to offer. No words or actions to take. They were here, his place of horror and the fucking asshole who did this to him close. For the moment they could do nothing. They had not enough evidence to bring Trent Ikithon down and she couldn’t sneak out in the middle of the night to murder him without Caleb’s permission. She wanted to, so very, very much, to destroy him like he had destroyed Caleb. But for now Nott had her eyes on Caleb, standing close to him and would be better at comforting him than her.

“Yasha, do you want to be my roommate?” Beau glanced at Jester, listening to Yasha’s soft affirmation and crossed her arms.

So they were bunking together even with all the readied rooms. Fine, this was fine. A room for herself. She bit her tongue against the familiar becoming feeling rising up in her throat. Tuning out the rest of the conversation she was the first to leave with a pat on Caleb’s shoulder.

Choosing one room for herself and closing the door behind her. Banishing the cloying scent of cinnamon and lavender out of her mind.

She rested for a moment against the door, her muscles protesting, she moved away from it and jammed a chair underneath the doorknob. Satisfied with the lock on the window, Beau put down her staff, shedding her robes and slipped into bed. Her muscles crying with relief as she laid on her back, melting into the soft mattress.

Staring up at the ceiling, unbidden images from the fight raced thru her mind. The cultists, the giant cat paw crashing thru the windows, Obann and Yasha, eyes cold and unseeing. Skingorger squeaking against stone, Yasha headed for her.

Her fingertips trailed over her newest scar, feeling the rough, raw edges of it. She coughed, petals sticking to her lips. She couldn’t evade Yasha’s first swing and it cut into her from the shoulder squarely down to her lower abdomen. The pain making her black out. She didn’t see Yasha standing over her, grasping the broadsword at the hilt before pushing it down, into her chest and the stone altar beneath. Enough for her to grunt, grasp for a second at the sword before losing consciousness again.

Beau still tasted blood in her mouth; still heard the terrible screech as Yasha’s sword hit the altar beneath her. Was this what Molly had felt? Was this how his last moments had been like?

It was as if fate or the gods above her were mocking or even punishing her. Perhaps she had tempted fate by getting the same tattoo as Molly. The only difference was that she got to open her eyes to a worried smile while he never opened his again.

Shit, she could still feel Jester’s, Dup Jester’s hands on her cheeks, warmth spreading inside her whole body. A contrast to Jester’s usually cold skin.

She coughed again, throat closing up, and she heaved, desperate for air. Rolling to her side, she hacked up more petals, the white sheets and pillows covered in blue.

Beau was prepared to die, their lifestyles did not promise a long life and she did not fear it, after all she had expected it far earlier. Yet the relief flooding her as she saw Jester, was immense. Duplicate Jester straddling her. Hands on her face, illuminated by the lightning striking the cathedral, was immense.

It was like an otherworldly experience and a part of her mourned that she had to move ever again. But the fight was still going on so she mumbled her thanks to Jester and jumped back into the fray.

The suffocating feeling in her chest receded, and she inhaled deeply, heart hammering. She reached for her water skin, gulping down some water to clear her throat. Bitterness on her tongue remaining.

She didn’t know what the petals meant. Where they came from or why. Rationale thought told her it meant nothing good and perhaps she should talk to someone about it, Caduceus for example. After all, he was a Cleric and had the Wildmother on his side yet the heavy feeling in her gut, accompanying her coughing told her enough.

Especially when she noticed the connection between her hacking up flowers and Jester’s presence in her thoughts or otherwise. Noticed ringing for air the moment Jester’s high belted cackling filled the air. The burning in her chest when a tail wrapped around her wrist, grabbing her attention as Jester pointed something out. How hard it was to breathe when Jester wrapped her tail around her leg, if they slept beside each other or she woke up to a blue tiefling curled into her. A leg thrown over hers, horns poking her jaw, Jester’s head burrowed into her neck. Soft puffs of air making the fine hairs on her neck rise.

Leaving a bitter tang rising in her throat and her coughing into her inner elbow, attempting to hide her strange illness. Petals dripping from her lips like blood. She told nobody because talking had caused this. Had she kept her mouth shut, this wouldn’t be happening. Her father had told her one day her mouth would cause her more trouble than she could handle and of course the bastard had to be right.

Fuck, but she had told Nott and now this was happening and she would not tell anybody else about this. A part of her wished she never had gotten to know Jester. Furthermore never seen her grin sheepishly while causing trouble and instigating chaos. Wish she didn’t know how Jester would chew on her bottom lip while drawing or how it felt to be wrapped up tightly in her arms.

This was surely punishment for daring too look at Jester, a second, a moment too long. Like a mere mortal laying eyes on a goddess too enamored to see the danger. She wouldn’t even be surprised if this was the Traveler doing, showing his displeasure at her feelings for his devotee. Divine intervention before she could do something even stupider than confessing her feelings.

Beau closed her eyes, trying to chase these thoughts away. There were more important problems than her whatever the fuck this was. They had to find out what the cult of oblivion was doing and put a stop to it in addition to ending a war that had been going on for years.

They had to worry about Fjord’s ex-god seeking revenge and bring down the Cerberus Assembly. Beau curled tighter into herself, blanket balling up in her fist. Listening for the sound of a pencil scratching over paper, the lazy twitching of a tail cutting thru air, soft humming or Sprinkle’s chittering.

Of course, not hearing anything. Beau turned to the wall. Clenching her eyes shut and hoping the gods would have mercy and let exhaustion overcome her.

* * *

Beau flinched from her thoughts as someone plopped down on the bench beside her. Glancing up, she was surprised to see Jester, worried frown on her face and her tail flicking anxiously behind her.

“Are you avoiding me?” Beau froze watching Jester bite her lip. “Cause we’ve been here and I haven’t hardly seen you and I think I know why.” She felt her heartbeat in her throat. Beau was sure she would pass out.

“Ah, no honestly we’ve just been really busy. We got here and everything got like attacked and then it was like immediately that we had to go negotiate with King Dwendal.”

“Right but then you went to do something and I haven’t seen you all day. I’ve just been sitting here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry did you want an invite? I was just reading books.”

“No, oh no.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think you’d be interested, exactly. No, why-“ Beau’s throat itched. “Why do you think I’m avoiding you though?” She rasped her voice not as strong as she would have liked.

“Because I didn’t save you.” Jester breathed, her tail curling around herself, eyes downcast.

Beau sagged down on the bench, immediate panic receding and she sighed relieved. “Oh no, no that’s not no not at all.” Beau stuttered, thoughts racing. “I was also like super hazy and unconscious, so you could have-, I was kinda unaware.”

“I shouldn’t have told you then.”

“No, look, I trust your judgement.”

Afterwards Jester said she wanted to and talked about how Caduceus was swallowed. How she could hear him and Beau tried her best to navigate through the conversation. Trying to keep pace with Jester’s thoughts, reassuring her that she didn’t have to apologize. Beau would never blame or be angry with Jester because of something like that.

But then Jester just had to say it had been bothering her and Beau didn’t understand why.

Jester looked down, her lips in a pout. “I don’t know. 'Cause you know I don’t want you to die.”

Beau was glad she could speak at all after that. Mind screeching to a halt and all she could answer was “Thank you I don’t wanna die either.”

And just when she thought they were finished, everything alright between them Jester threw her again for a loop. Confessing she had sent threating messages to her father, because she wanted him to suffer, which was endearing but freaked her the fuck out.

She didn’t want to think about her father. Didn’t want her friends to even know about her parents. They were two different worlds, on different planes of existence in her mind, and she didn’t want Jester anywhere near them.

Although she understood Jester meant no harm, doing it to help, it was hard to tell her off when she looked so small and guilty and had done it for Beau. But Beau tried. Jester was an adult, and she saw a pattern forming with Caleb and Astrid and her and her father and she wanted to avoid more surprises. Or that Jester one day reached out to somebody who would use it to manipulate her or hurt her.

As she once again thought, they were in the clear Jester had to bring up Molly. Beau once more tried to be a voice of reason while not stepping on any toes. Even if anything inside her curled in disgust thinking about tarot cards and fortunetellers.

Somehow, she ended up giving Jester Molly’s tarot cards, who took them with glee written all over her face. A dangerous glimmer in her eyes. Beau wondered if it had been a good idea. Watching Jester bound up the stairs, left Beau all twisted up and confused. With whiplash from all the turns the conversation took. Emotions all over the place and she chocked out a “Great talk Jester.”

Dying as footsteps ran back down and Jester squeezed her tightly from behind before hurrying back up the stairs.

It didn’t surprise her when the itching in her throat got so bad, she had to cough. Lilac petals fluttering down into her hands in the middle of the tavern.

* * *

Beau finished the passage, noting down the interesting parts and closed the book. Stretching her arms over her head and shaking her wrists out.

She looked over to Caleb, who was hunched over his own notes, lost to the world. She licked her lips, looking from him to the surrounding bookshelves. Satisfied with all the research she had gotten done and nothing else she should pursue. However, Caleb would want to stay a few hours more at least.

She put back the books she used, glancing around hesitantly. Beau shrugged it off after all she wasn’t doing anything forbidden. Finding herself in the section of plant-related curses and diseases.

All the archives used the same shelving system and were organized the same even if Rexxentrum was a lot bigger than the others. Pursuing the shelf, thumping thru some books, it didn’t take long until she found the right one.

A leather bound, ancient looking tome, written in elvish. The caricature of a humanoid creature grabbed her attention. In its chest area instead of heart and lungs were flowers drawn, seemingly growing inside of the person.

The name Hanahaki Disease was foreign to her, sounding like an ancient, long lost dialect, yet the symptoms were not. Strong pain in the chest area, coughing, vomiting, blood and of course the fucking petals.

It sounded surreal. Flowers growing inside of her until she either would suffocate or drown in her own blood because the flowers would grow big enough to pierce vital organs.

Caused by, Beau froze, reading the next passage, throat itching. Eyes jumping down to the remedies and cures, barking out a laugh. She sunk down at the shelf so she was sitting on the floor.

Reading the text again and again, expecting the words to change. Her laughter turned into coughing. She just had to say it. She had spoken this into existence by first talking to Nott and then by admitting to Jester that she didn’t want to die.

This was the consequence for showing vulnerability, for showing weakness. Fate had nothing better to do then fuck her over again. Shit, hadn’t she learned anything?

She cursed, suppressing the cough climbing up her throat. Beau leaned back against the shelf, eyes falling shut and listening to the no longer ominous rattling in her chest.

“Beauregard are you ready to leave?” Caleb’s voice asked in her mind.

“Meet you outside.” Beau responded, glancing down at the book in her hands.

A huge part of her wanted to rip it apart, to punch the bookshelf, to vandalize the whole place. She knew she couldn’t but Jester’s plea came back to mind and it was satisfying, drawing a huge dick into a hundred-year-old book. Because fuck this, imagining some stuffy monk or scholar opening it was a hundred times better than feeling this. She wished she could be there to see the scandalized expression they would have.

* * *

Beau grumbled into her ale, gaze darting over to the old man still nursing his wounds. She had beaten him to a pulp. It made her good money, but it left a just as bitter taste in her mouth as the petals. The problem she had come here to forget.

In theory, getting beat up and beating someone up had sounded like the fun she needed to have. There was nothing better than a good fight. The straining of her muscles, her fists hitting flesh, the iron scent and taste. The pain of a hit having landed radiating inside her whole body and the bruised knuckles the day after. The satisfying pop or crunch of bones breaking beneath her fists.

This had been none of all that. A hollow victory. He landed one measly punch on her before she ended him. Beau had hoped even if he looked old that he would be hard to put down, his muscles and scars speaking for that yet the fight left her disappointed.

Not a warrior but a grandfather who most likely had to tell his grandchildren over dinner how he got beaten up. Beau grimaced, licking over the cut on her lip. It had been sad, over in seconds and not even Jester’s giddy screams of kill him could raise her mood. She grumbled into her ale, ignoring the warmth in her cheeks at Jester’s vote of confidence. The barstool beside her screeched, Fjord sitting down heavily beside het. Setting down the hat he had gotten from Nott with a sigh.

She eyed him. “You good?”

“I’ve felt better.” He grimaced, looking down at his own ale. “I shouldn’t have worked out with Jester before this.”

“You worked out with Jester?” Beau bit her tongue, grip tightening on her tankard.

“Jester asked me and I thought stretching and working the muscles a bit might be good before the fight.” He downed his ale, ordering more.

Beau stifled a cough into her sleeve. Cool, this was totally cool. Jester working out with Fjord, who hadn’t been doing it for long and Jester who never had seemed interested in it or asked to join her. Totally fine because Jester had a crush on Fjord. What better way of bonding as over rippling muscles and sweat, perhaps even shirtless with the rising temperatures-

“Do you think Yasha is alright?” He changed the topic and Beau rubbed her neck, forcing herself to unclench her jaw.

“Don’t think somebody alright would pay to get beaten up and smile while going down.” Beau looked over to where Yasha sat, sandwiched between the two clerics. “But it was to be expected after everything she went through.”

Fjord nodded deep in thought.

“I’m gonna had back to the inn.” Beau finished her ale, ignoring the look Fjord shot her.

“Well, I will drink a bit more.”

Beau left, the night calm and silent as she walked the streets. She guessed the citizens were still to shaken up from the attacks and did not dare to go out at night yet. More surprising was meeting Caleb in front of the inn, after he told them he would stay in and pore over his notes.

She scrutinized him with a lifted eyebrow, noting his trembling hands but less haunted look. “Late night walk?”

“Ja, clearing my head.” He didn’t meet her gaze, and she had an inkling about what he had been up to. They went inside.

If she wasn’t so exhausted and up for another emotion filled conversation, she would have poked, getting him to talk, but she was, so she didn’t. “Hope it helped.”

They headed up the stairs and he muttered something under his breath.

“Gute Nacht.” They stopped in front of her door.

“Good night.” She reached out, slow enough for him to step back if he didn’t want it, but he didn’t and she squeezed his shoulder.

Leaving him standing in the hallway, she closed the door. Beau disrobed herself until she was only in her wrappings, knowing she was too pent up. Her thoughts too loud to even think about sleeping. Rolling out her neck, dropping to the floor, she began doing pushups. Relaxing into the burn after a few dozen.

Beau blinked the room still dark. Confused to why she had woken until she heard a creak and footsteps on the floor. In her room. Where she was alone. Beau tensed, cursing herself for not putting a chair against the doorknob. She kept silent, listening to the person drawing closer. Holding her breath, prepared to attack.

“Beau?” Beau exhaled. “Are you awake?”

“Jessie? What are you doing here?” Beau grumbled, rolling onto her back and meeting violet eyes, glowing in the darkness.

“Technically, we always share a room.” Jester offered innocently and Beau could imagine without seeing Jester, her biting her lip and shrugging.

“Weren’t you sharing a room with Yasha though?”

“Well, I was but today hasn’t been fun like I thought it would be and Yasha is bruised and hurt because she didn’t want us to heal her and she was silent and sad the whole way back here and I told her she could have the bed because she didn’t want to share it yesterday and slept on the floor and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t been sleeping in a bed for months and I didn’t want her not to sleep in a bed when she is hurt-“ Beau reached out in the darkness, finding Jester’s hand and grasping it.

“Breathe, Jess.” Beau commanded softly, listening to her deep inhale and exhale.

“She didn’t want me sleeping on the floor and I told her I didn’t need to because I could just share with you, duh, because we are always roommates and you wouldn’t mind, you don’t right? So I slipped in your room and you should have really locked it or done anything, it would be really easy for somebody to sneak in and like murder you in your sleep, and you woke up and now we are here.” Jester summarized, gaze fixed on her. “Soooo, can I pleeeeeeease sleep here with you?”

Beau huffed, griping her hair, wishing she could scream. Yet Jester could see in the dark, which left her with only one option. “Course you can.” Beau made room for her and it was all the permission Jester needed. Leaping onto the bed and Beau’s stomach.

She wheezed, groaning as Jester wiggled on top of her, searching for a comfortable position while giggling. Ending with Jester sprawled mostly on Beau, a tail winding around her leg and an arm wrapped around her stomach. Beau sighed as cold skin brushed over hers, flinching when a horn knocked into her jaw.

“Sorry.” Jester whispered, nose brushing over Beau’s pulse point and she gulped. Hoping Jester could not feel her racing pulse. Especially as Jester burrowed herself in the nook between her neck and shoulder, wiggling restless.

Beau rested one hand on Jester’s back, the other one reaching up to one of Jester’s horns, gently tracing the base of it and Jester melted against her. She smiled at Jester’s soft sigh, the way she leaned into the touch.

“You totally kicked that guy’s ass.” Jester mumbled and Beau grinned, familiar with Jester’s need to talk before sleeping. “Totally knew you would.”

“Wasn’t hard with how old he was.

Jester raised up slightly to look into her eyes. “You totally would have knocked him out even if he was like six-feet tall with bulging muscles and enormous teeth.” Jester gestured.

“Enormous teeth, huh? But you right I would have because I’m awesome and punching people is like my calling.” Beau answered mock serious, flexing her muscles and grinning at Jester’s laugh. “Besides you would have punched the dude out with like one hit and the others probably too.”

“I would have.” Jester chirped. “Would have punched them in the face and shouted Inflict Wounds like the first time we two fought and the crowd would have oohhhhhed and ahhhhhed. I totally would have won because I’m like suuuuper strong.”

“Totally jacked.” Beau affirmed and Jester nodded, relaxing with a yawn back into her prior position.

“I missed you. Felt weird sleeping without you.” Jester murmured against her neck and Beau could hear the hesitation in her voice.

Beau swallowed the rising petals down. “Yeah, I uh it was weird.”

“Good night and sweet dreams, Beau.”

“Good night, Jess.” Beau exhaled, listening as Jester’s breathing deepened.

* * *

The grass was soft between her fingers as she reached for another flower, tugging and winding it around another. She did it again and again, the task mindless. Her eyes burned and her hands trembled but her thoughts were quieter than in the last few days.

Only the smell of tea and grass in her nose as she subtly leaned into Caduceus, who was humming and fiddling with his own flowers. He smelled earthy, a steady warm presence beside her. Even with the sun shining above them, her eyes slipped close.

A moment later, catching herself and reaching for another flower. A long stem and many little chalice formed flowers. Blue. Delphinium. It interwove beautifully with the Myosotis, Forget-me-nots and the Gardenias. Her head throbbed, and she coughed, once, twice in her sleeves and a hand knocked on her back.

“Thanks.” She croaked, shaking the petals out of her sleeve and into the grass. Not a minute later, Caduceus held out a cup of tea for her.

“You should go to sleep, Miss Beau.” He looked down at her, his larger hand lingering for a moment on hers.

“Can’t.” Beau shrugged, taking another flower and weaving it together with the rest. “We still have today and I already had to get Caleb’s head out of his ass twice, Yasha is you know being an even quieter version of herself.” She nodded to Yasha, sitting far away, close to the ocean and pressing flowers.

“And Nott and Fjord won’t stop nagging each other and Nott already shot him once.” Beau groaned, thinking about the last few days. “It’s only one more day and Jester deserves for this to be perfect so it will be. Even if I have to do this.” She sneered down at the half-finished flower crown, not the first one she had made today but hopefully the last.

All around her sat other people, other followers, or cultists if she listened to Caleb, of the traveler. Finally travelercon had come and Jester had wanted it to be perfect. With certain expectations came also certain responsibilities and as a good best friend hers was not only to make sure Jester was happy. No, she had the honor to wrangle in their team and strangers to insure everything would run smoothly. Her hands cramped in the last few days more than when she had been in training at the monastery. From helping Jester write pamphlets for the traveler. A guide for doing pranks and how to be an awesome traveler follower. To also setting up decorations and safety measures.

She didn’t even know when she last slept because when there was time to sleep the hacking kept her up. All the petals she would swallow down, suppressing them when she was around Jester or the group would come back up.

Drinking the tea, she sighed, the warmth soothing the rawness of her throat. Suspiciously she glanced at Caduceus over the cup and hoped he had no clue about what was going on. He didn’t, sipping his own tea and looking at his bone flute.

Beau set the cup down, smoothing over the flowers. Blue, violet, white. She bit her tongue, remembering their taste in her mouth. The only ones left were Gorse. She seamlessly added them to the others. _Love in all seasons_ joining _Levity, fun, bighearted, ardent attachment, joy_ and _true love_ , _don’t forget me_ , _secret love_ and _sweet love_. At least that’s what the book told her.

She had basic knowledge about the flowers native to Kamordah. For a lady it was expected to be knowledgeable about flora and their symbolism. She could still hear the snobby laugh of her mother’s friends. Gossiping about the wedding of the local smith. How his wife had chosen Rue and yellow roses to decorate and for her bridal bouquet.

Even back then, Beau had rolled her eyes pricking her fingers once more while trying to do embroidery. All the while listening to her mother’s friends talking about their own bridal bouquets or the flowers their husbands brought them. Arguing if red roses were the most romantic flowers or thoughtless gifts.

She remembered seeking out Tori, after a handful of stolen kisses, heart racing inside her chest. Tori hadn’t been her first kiss, there had been maids, daughters of her father’s business partners but Tori had been the first to enrapture her.

With her fiery locks and hazel eyes, her up to no good smirk and sharp tongue. The cooler older girl, involved in all kinds of trouble. Challenging Beau with cocky smirks and raised brows until she was liberating a purse here, a bracelet there. Coming back, grinning confidently with her bounty only to be pushed roughly against a wall and kissed fiercely.

Tori had been her first and last attempt at romantic gestures. Laughing at the blue irises, lilac and purple orchids clutched in Beau’s hand. _I’m not one of your prissy girls_. Throwing the flowers away and instead reaching for Beau’s collar. Nails digging a bit too harsh into Beau’s skin, teeth a little too rough on her lips. Beau learned to lean closer, to give back as good as she got. She decided romance wasn’t for her.

Beau coughed again. The most petals she had thrown up had been unknown to her, but curiosity burned inside her, even if she wanted to forget about them. The next time they had been in a town, she had sneaked away finding a little bookshop and bought a small, handy flower lexicon. Keeping it hidden together with her notes.

Delphinium, better known as larkspur had been her first one and reading the meaning of it she immediately knew Jester inspired them. Every single one a love confession to her. Instead of prayers and offerings, she showed her devotion, her worship with colorful petals and lungs ringing for air. As if every word she swallowed down, made sure not so say to Jester came to bloom inside of her.

Beau looked down at her work, the flower crown thicker and more elaborate than the others. Every little flower trying to kill her had found its way in. A morbid thought, especially because she had intended it for Jester. But Jester would find them beautiful, would-

_Huh_. She stopped mid grab for another Gorse, glancing from the crown down to the grass around her. These didn’t normally grew here. The gardenias didn’t either. Brows furrowed, glancing at the rest of the field, her pulse raced.

“Deucie have you been growing flowers?” Beau asked, voice thick as flowers climbed up her throat.

Caduceus gazed down at her thoughtfully and around himself before a calm smile painted his lips. “It seems the Wildmother gave us a gift.” He hummed, stroking over a flower.

Beau clenched her jaw, considering if the Wildmother was fucking with her on purpose. For not saving Caduceus several times or because she called Fjord a wimp yesterday. She glared down at the flowers.

Or this was the Wildmothers way of showing her she was causing the whole throwing up flowers nonsense. No one knew where the disease came from and the Wildmother was all about nature.

Her glare softened as a Hibiscus grew directly into her grasp. Soft petals brushing against her fingertips. The Wildmother also helped Caduceus save her several times. She bit her lip, gently tugging at the flower, mumbling a thank you and ignoring how Caduceus leaned closer to her.

Finishing her work while the warmth of the tea settled in her stomach. Patting Caduceus arm lightly, in silent thanks, she walked up to Yasha making sure Yasha heard her approach. Carefully, knowing multicolored eyes rested on her, she put down one of each flower.

Yasha did not like to be touched, afraid to be close to somebody once more. Thinking herself undeserving of kindness. Something Beau understood and because Beau was shit at giving smiles, this was the only offering she had. With a nod she stepped back and headed for where she knew Jester would be.

“And then I said Traveler I have so much faith in you right now, you are the absolute best god I’ve ever met and then a totally bright doorway appeared and this super big bolt of pink energy hit the Remorhaz and turned it to like ash.” Beau heard Jester say, seeing her stand in front of another group of like fifty people, dramatically rising her hand and voice, acting out the fight for them.

Beau grinned, rolling her eyes fondly as she stepped up beside her. Spluttering as Jester’s tail hit her right in the face.

“Beau!” Jester exclaimed, pulling her closer, so Beau was squished into her side. “I was just telling them how we kicked butt with the traveler’s help. Oh, oh we can tell them about the time we fought a flying carpet or these weird, icky snakes on the island, oh or the time we broke into that rich family’s mansion with Reani.” Jester clapped her hands with every idea, tail swishing behind her.

Beau blinked, how could Jester still be so energized, after so little sleep was beyond her. Although the faint trail of sugar on her cheek might have to do with that. Beau wiped it away, noticing Jester stopped rambling.

“You had-, there was something on your cheek.” Beau stammered under Jester's look, shoving the flower crown into Jester’s open hands.

Jester looked down and Jester beamed even brighter. “You made this? For meeeeeeeee?” Jester yelled, putting it atop her head where it fitted perfectly between her horns.

“Guessed if everyone got one, the like High Priestess or the Awesomest Follower of the traveler needed one to.” Beau shrugged nonchalantly blushing as Jester grabbed both her upper arms squeezing them.

“It’s beautiful.” Jester smiled softly before her eyes got bigger and she squirmed. “I have something for you too, back on the Balleater. Come on, come on.” Jester’s tail snaked around her waist pulling Beau with her not even noticing the crowd deflate.

“Jess.” Beau stopped her. “You can show me when we go back. For now, I think as President of the Traveler fan club you should entertain them with more stories about your greatness.” She grinned, nodding at the people and Jester turned back, nodding enthusiastically, releasing Beau from her grip.

Beau shook her head, endeared by Jester’s childlike excitement. Thinking about joining Caduceus again because it already got harder to breathe.

“Beau?” Jester turned once more to her, tugging at her dress. “Stay here?”

Beau bit her lips, giving a nod and returning to Jester’s side.

Beau groaned, stretching her back, throat raw but her belly full and a soft buzz of ale flowing through her veins. They had thrown a Goodbye dinner for Traveler Con. The first one’s already starting to leave and they would head out tomorrow or rather this morning on the Balleater.

She yawned, ready to fall asleep on her feet as something, someone crashed from behind into her. She stumbled forward, legs nearly giving out beneath the added weight. Only Yasha, who had walked in silence beside her, kept Beau from falling forward.

“BEAU.” Jester laughed, arms wrapped around Beau’s neck and legs around her waist. Beau stubbornly ignored Yasha’s gaze as Jester stayed on her back all the way to the ship and to their room.

“Oh, I haven’t given you your gift.” Jester exclaimed behind her in the middle of her story while Beau disrobed.

“Huh?” Beau yawned, looking over her shoulder. Jester bounced around the room, searching for something until she raised her arms victoriously with an AHA.

“Close your eyes, Beau.” Jester asked, hiding what she was holding behind her back.

“Really Jester?” Beau sighed, grumbling as Jester’s lower lip jutted out. “Fine.” She closed them, hoping Jester would not think of pranking her while she was this tired. Listening to Jester’s steps growing closer and a hand brushing against hers.

“Open them, open them.” Jester commanded and Beau looked down at the necklace resting in her palm. Taking a moment to recognize the charm on the necklace.

“As thank you for your help.” Jester offered her voice high. “And because you are like the bestest friend ever for staying up and helping me put all this together, and I guess now for the flower crown too. But I wanted you to have this so I would be always be with you and the traveler of course.” Jester rambled, stopping. “Oh, um the knowing lady won’t be like jealous, if you wore this, would she? Like you won’t get into trouble with her for like wearing another gods symbol, right? It’s not like you are a follower of the traveler, unless you like wanted to be, I think he would like that but like-“

“Jester.” Beau murmured, effectively stopping Jester. Fingers tracing over the broad silver necklace and the archway charm. Speechless that Jester would share something so important to her with Beau. “It’s beautiful, but are you sure the traveler would be alright with it because like you said I’m not one of his followers.”

“He totally is I like asked him and he was all ‘great idea Jester’ and ‘there would be no better gift’ and everything.”

“Well, I guess the Knowing Mistress wouldn’t have anything against it either.” Beau grinned, wincing only slightly as Jester squealed. Taking the necklace back before manhandling Beau to turn so she could clasp it around Beau’s neck.

“The silver and the blue of your robes goes super well together.” Jester’s fingertips traced over the necklace now resting on Beau’s breastbone.

“Who knows, maybe the Knowing Mistress and the Traveler are best buds and kick ass together or do whatever the fuck gods do.” Beau nudged Jester, whose eyes lit up at the idea.

“Oh, I ask him the next time I see him. Maybe they play pranks together like we do!” Jester giggled, standing up on her tiptoes to rest her forehead against Beau’s. Careful not to knock her horns into Beau’s face. Beau swallowed, salvia gathering in her mouth as her stomach twisted. Nevertheless, she gently wrapped her arms around Jester, the necklace around her neck a comforting weight.

* * *

“Halt! Halt! Catch them!” Beau sidestepped a guard, pushing Jester into the other direction. Tugging at Jester and feeling Jester entwine their hands, trusting Beau to lead them. Taking sharp corners to try getting rid off the guards.

Beau glanced at Jester, the pure joy on her face, the big smile baring her fangs. Blue hair disheveled from running, her growing out bangs hanging into her face.

“Shit, Jester, what were you thinking?” Beau asked without real bite, her own blood pumping.

“The statue was like soooo ugly, Beau.” Jester cackled, the sound sending a pleasant shiver thru Beau. Seeing Jester for a moment so carelessly, unrestrained and blissful happy. No longer was her face drawn into a worried pout or thoughtful frown, which Jester tried so hard to hide, to conceal. “Really done them a service making it way prettier.”

Beau grinned to enamored with the glint of mischief in purple eyes to be annoyed. Still sending Jester a playful scolding look, which was answered with a sheepish expression. Not lasting long as Jester burst into laughter again.

Beau slowed slightly, noting Jester panting as she tried to keep pace with Beau. Aware of the closer getting footfalls. They took the next corner and Beau had a split second to push Jester to the right. Jumping out the way, a heavy axe hit the spot where they had stood a moment prior.

The heavy armored guard grunted, raising the axe once more. “Run, I catch up.” Beau shouted at Jester on the other side of the guard.

Jester hesitated, looking ready to throw down with the guard but must have heard the other guards close in on them. Trusting Beau’s word to be right behind her she ran. Beau evaded another heavy swing, knowing she wouldn’t be able to knock the guard out before the other guards showed up. So she moved out of the way of the next attack, running at full speed at a house wall and pulled herself up. Shooting the guard over her shoulder a wink. Making her way from roof to roof in the same direction Jester headed. Fortunately, all the roofs of the lower districts were leveled, making her transit easier.

It did not take long with her superior speed to catch up with Jester, who heard her and waved with a grin. Running alongside her below. An arrow whizzed too close to her ear past her and Beau flinched. Hearing the click of a bolt being readied and let fly, she zigzagged.

Seeing over her shoulder a few guards having followed her on the roof, perhaps twenty feet behind her. It wouldn’t have been a problem if not a taller house came into view with a too big gap to jump over. Beau wouldn’t be able to jump that far and get enough momentum to climb it. Even if, she would be a perfect target for the guards.

Leaving only jumping on the street below, which would hurt. Not because it was a long fall but mid sprint and the way she had to jump, she wouldn’t land without hurting herself.

“Jump Beau!” Jester yelled, having seen the house and coming to the same conclusion. Beau leaped off the roof.

Prepared for pain only to land directly in strong, blue arms with only a slight grunt from Jester. Her arms wrapping tightly around her as Beau flayed around. Ending up being in a weird half bridal carry. She tried to ignore the answering heat in her stomach with how easily Jester had caught her, at the feeling of flexing muscle under smooth skin. The scent of paint and cinnamon overwhelming, so close to the source.

A click in her ear reminded her of the danger they were still in and with no time to spare she caught a bolt inches from Jester’s back. Sitting up more, she caught three others. Rolling out of Jester’s hold to run beside her. Leading them through alleyways and corners until the sounds of the guards grew faint, fainter and then were gone. Only stopping as Jester stumbled behind her. Panting and leaning against a wall.

Beau herself breathed heavily, cracking her neck from side-to-side, afterwards inconspicuously looking around the corner to see if the guards were coming. Tensing for a moment when arms wrapped around her neck from behind and a head rested in between her shoulder blades.

“This was fun.” Jester mumbled against her and Beau laughed, breathless from running, and turned in Jester’s embrace to hug her back. “Saving the world not enough excitement for you, Jess?” Beau teased lightly.

“Nah.” Jester’s nose scrunched up. “It gets too boooring with talking to all these stuffy old people and all the world ending things.” Jester gesticulated lightly even as Beau saw the tension bleed back into Jester’s features, her grin turning brighter.

Beau bit her lip, nudging their foreheads lightly together. “Nothing we can’t handle.” Beau assured, swallowing. “We are all back together.” Beau reminded, meeting Jester’s gaze steadily. “And we are going to do what we do best, kick ass.” Jester nodded thoughtfully and Beau tucked back a strand of hair behind Jester’s ear. Jester leaned into the touch, closing her eyes.

“We will.” Jester nodded, inhaling deeply and Beau felt the lightest kiss being placed on her inner wrist as Jester backed away from Beau a bit to look into her eyes. Seeming to search for something and finding it before nodding to herself again. Beau grabbed the hood of Jester’s cloak, pulling it carefully over Jester’s head and horns.

“Mingle with the crowd and head back to the inn.” Beau squeezed Jester’s shoulder.

“I’m not leaving you, Beau.” Jester frowned up at her, looking ready to argue.

“They saw us together and we will be easier to recognize side by side. I’m gonna wait a few minutes and then head back to the inn too.” Jester opened her mouth to protest, but Beau interrupted her. “And I won’t be alone.” Beau grasped the traveler charm hanging around her neck.

Seeing Jester soften. “Alright, alright this is then totally fine.” Jester nodded again, silent for a moment before in one quick movement she rose to her tiptoes and kissed Beau’s cheek. Beau froze, watching Jester quickly retreating, a hint of purple raising in her cheeks. “OkeybyeBeauseeyou.” Jester whirled around and rushed out.

Leaving Beau standing there like a fool, hand on her cheek and blushing. Unfamiliar with the gooey warmth spreading inside her. Heart in her throat. Or not.

She keeled over as she hacked up petals. Tears in her eyes, she gasped, clawing at her throat. Not able to breathe. Bending over, she dry heaved until more came. Petals. Blue, orange, red, lilac. Similar to the paint sticking to Jester’s hands. Yet it was so much red and Beau tasted something familiar. Feeling something drip down her mouth, to her chin and then the cobblestones beneath her. Red. More red. Blood.

She coughed, gritting her teeth in pain as her throat burned. That she was familiar with. Pain. After all, love and pain had always been the same to her.

* * *

Beau could just step into an attack. Maybe it would kill her instantly. A step and this would be over. Not a drawn out death. No more waking up and panicking, incapable of breathing, the flowers inside her stealing the very air she needed to live.

Maybe it wouldn’t kill her. Only break ribs or bones. She could try to hide it, from Caduceus, from Jester who spend nearly every moment beside her. Maybe she would die in her sleep, maybe even with Jester close to her.

Beau always believed she would die in a fight, a bar fight gone wrong or because she fucked with someone she shouldn’t have. Dying in a nameless alleyway, forgotten and put in a mass grave. She never thought she would reach her twenties.

Being part of the Mighty Nine left the first option open but also brought options like being killed by a giant bird, a dragon or executed for treason.

Beau barely evaded another swipe of the ogre, ducking beneath and punching him where she thought his ribs were. First her staff and then her fist hitting with a solid crack and she grinned at its pained grunt, its little stumble. Baring her teeth as it glared at her, roaring.

Beau knew they had no diamonds left, they wouldn’t be able to bring her back. Not waste their resources on her. They would bury her here, in a nameless forest, far away from the empire. It would be done quickly, they would have no time for grieving and until they had time it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Especially because they had each other to cling to.

One step into the wrong, the right direction. No one would ever know about her pesky feelings, but Nott. No one would know how Jester’s love, no her love for Jester made her feel after years of trying not to feel. How her love grew, watered by every toothy smile, every Beau inflected just right, with every readily given gentle affection she had never known.

For her love had always carried pain within and she had learned to lean into it like a cat into the warmth of the sun. Just now it wasn’t the sting of a slap anymore, no sneered _Beauregard you are an embarrassment to this family_. Not a slap on the hand or a pinch in her sides when she didn’t sit straight enough _Beauregard this behavior isn’t becoming for a lady_. No hurried, violent kisses, teeth clacking against each other, nails and teeth drawing blood, wandering fingers pressing into already bruised skin until she gasped, pain and pleasure mixing together until she could no longer differentiate between the two.

Her love for Jester came with pain too. Her throat raw and throbbing, suffocating feeling clinging to every breath, coughing up bittersweet petals accompanied by the tang of copper. It also came with genuine care. Jester fuzzing over her even more since their talk. With joyous laughter and stinging eyes from reading terrible smut books aloud in the dark. A hundred little touches varying from a brush of blue fingertips over her inner wrist, to a tail wrapping around her leg, arm or midsection if Jester got excited.

Beau could recklessly step into an attack, ending her suffering. But she wouldn’t. She could take the pain and she needed to be there for Caleb when they took down Trent Ikithon. Wouldn’t miss punching that guy in the face for all he had done to Caleb and she couldn’t leave the Nein to save the world by themselves.

Yet there was the selfish, greedy part of her, not ready to let her love for Jester go. She had promised she would follow Jester wherever she went, so she would as long as she could. And so long she would allow herself to bathe in Jester’s presence in her life.

The pain was worth it, to get to be around Jester. To be pulled into one ridiculous scheme after the next. To love for the first and the last time. And if she had to die, she was pleased it would be Jester hand she died by. Indirectly of course and not on purpose, but still, she was fine with losing her life to this. It was the most honorable death she could have, meaning nobody else got to kill her.

Fuck that. She lashed out at the ogre with new vigor. And the next until only one was left standing encircled by them. Despite her trying to sidestep his club, it clipped her with a force that knocked her a few hundred feet back, deeper into the woods and out of sight of the group. Fortunately, she only ate dirt and did not hit a tree.

Woozy Beau wheezed, lacking the strength to pull herself up and stayed on her knees, coughs wracking her body. Petals and her blood decorating the earth, lungs spasming and muscles contracting as she heaved. Petals sticking to her teeth and the back of her throat. Her ears buzzing, body trembling and sweat dripping down her face.

Beau flinched as a big hand touched her back, tracing soothing circles into her skin. Magic seeping into her and she inhaled sharply. Looking thru watery eyes up into Caduceus worried face.

“Got me real good, the fucker.” Beau lied, seeing Caduceus gaze wander from her face to the blood and flowers in front of her.

He opened his mouth, big fuzzy brows drawn together, interrupted by Jester calling out for her.

“BEAU! Where are you?” Beau tensed, heaving her body up from the ground and ignoring her swimming vision.

Scrambling into the direction Jester was in, hurriedly spitting out flowers and wiping her mouth to leave no evidence. Dark blue horns appeared on the edge of her vision and a moment later, she was hugged tightly. Her feet leaving the ground from the force.

“Are you hurt? Are you bleeding? Wait, let me see I’ve a spell left.” Jester pawed at her robes, looking for wounds and Beau grasped her hands lightly.

“I’m good Caduceus already healed me.” Beau grunted, brushing with her thumb over Jester’s knuckles. “Are you hurt?” Beau eyed the new rips and tears in Jester’s cloak and dress, the few missing bells on her horns.

“Ohh good, that’s good that he healed you, very good. No, I’m totally fine like they didn’t even get close enough to me before I was like Toll the Dead and hitting them with my lollipop.” Jester energetically nodded, eyes disappearing behind her growing out bangs.

Beau smiled. “I’m sure you were totally badass, kicking all their butts.” Stopping as they got back to the clearing, and she saw the last ogre looking like a porcupine.

Icy spears sticking out of his flesh, the ice red with blood. Beau noted the glances the others shoot Jester, who was the only one capable of doing this. This seemed a bit much.

Beau said nothing as she saw Jester look over to her, fidgeting with her dress with the hand not in Beau’s and biting her lip. After all, Beau cherished the moments Jester would let loose, let out all the anger, the pain she kept so well hidden behind her smiles. She squeezed her hand gently, afterwards joining the others, ignoring the intense gaze from Caduceus burning into the back of her neck.

* * *

“Three rooms, here are the keys.” Fjord held them out, his growing out tusks showing as he smiled tiredly at them.

“Roomies.” Jester sing-songed, clapping excitedly and linking her arms with Beau and Yasha.

Beau grunted tiredly, somehow managing a smile as Jester looked at her. Yawning and stretching, only to flinch as her ribs smarted. Shit, she just wanted a hot bath and a passable bed.

“Would you terribly mind if I shared with Miss Beau for this once?” Caduceus inquired, leaning on his staff.

Beau stiffened, feeling Jester’s grip around her arm tighten. “What? Why? Fjord is your roommate! We always room like this. Beau and me are always roommates.” Jester stared at Caduceus, the rest of the group looking between the three. “I mean and Yasha of course like Girl's Night, so she can’t.” Jester’s cheek puffed out, a hint of a pout already adorning her lips.

Beau knew how this could play out. Caduceus was against outright lying, and she would be in deeper shit. “It’s cool, Caduceus, and I wanted to talk a bit about the Gods and their interaction or contact with humans. With the Chained Oblivion and how all your patron gods took action it might give us more insight into the matter.” Beau shrugged, giving Caduceus a stern look.

Jester muttered something that sounded like “I could tell you about the traveler” while crossing her arms in front of her.

“Only for tonight.” Beau soothed, not wanting a repetition of the last time she bunked somewhere else, which lead to a heart attack causing conversation. And too much talk about feelings. “Tomorrow we can go back to our usual chaos.” Beau added into the silence, her cheeks heating at her own awkwardness.

To distract she gave Jester a friendly clap on the back, swallowing as watery violet eyes meet hers and took a key. “Don’t know about you, but if I don’t get into a bed soon, I might punch someone.” She joked, not looking back as Caduceus followed her.

“Miss Beau?”

Beau rubbed her hair dry, glancing at Caduceus. “Hm?”

“I consulted with the Wildmother-“

“About how many beetles are too many, because that talk must have been overdue.” Beau snarked, exhaling at Caduceus patient gaze.

“Y’know what it is, don’t you?” Beau turned to him, rubbing her neck and glancing at the window.

“Running from this conversation won’t help.” He rumbled and Beau nodded, sitting down on the bed. “It’s a sickness of the heart.”

Beau’s head snapped up, surprised at his bluntness, yet his face was unreadable.

“The Wildmother let me know there is no remedy. I might not be the best at processing or understanding the matters of the heart, but-“ Caduceus paused, considering her a bit cautiously.

Beau forced herself to relax, to unclench her jaw. “Miss Jester is very fond of you. I can’t imagine if you told her she would reject you.”

Beau closed her eyes, forcing herself to breathe. “Fondness is not enough. Jester has-, Jester is-, Jester doesn’t have the same feelings for me as I have for her and that’s alright. I’m okay with that.” Beau coughed petals into her fist. “What wouldn’t be alright would be to confess and she having to reject me knowing it will kill me. Jester would believe it was her fault. All my confession would do is cause pain to her and I refuse to add to the burden she carries.”

Beau let herself fall back on the bed, resting her arm over her face. Listening to Caduceus loud, rhythmic breathing followed by his footfalls. Grumbling as he stopped beside her. “What do you want, man?” Beau bit her tongue, trying to keep her irritation and aggression in check.

“I can’t heal you or tell you your fears are unfounded.” Caduceus hesitated, laying his palm on her breastbone. “But I can ease your suffering.”

“Nah, don’t waste your spells on me. I’m alright with it.” She grinned up at him.

He shook his head, hand glowing and warmth filled her. “It is not a waste.” The urge to cough receded as did the itching in the back of her throat. The hurt dissapearing after so long felt weird but Caduceus hand was gentle and grounding.

“Thanks, Caduceus.” Beau mumbled, squeezing his hand.

“I wish there was more I could offer.”

Beau waved him off. “Don’t look so sad Caduceus I’m more or less turning into flowers, maybe I even end up as rad as the bad guys you make into plants.” Her gaze flickered to her hands. “Who knows maybe they’ll even be beautiful.”

Caduceus didn’t answer, heading to his own bed. Beau already missed having Jester clinging to her, feeling weird without being pinned and restrained in her sleep by a smothering hug. They were quiet, both too tired to talk. Yet nodding off she still heard Caduceus voice.

“I do not wish to find out.”

* * *

Beau coughed into her handkerchief, the sound loud in the tense silence. Pain radiating for a heartbeat or two until it dulled back into the familiar amount. Eyes flickering over the gathered people of the Empire and the Dynasty.

King Dwendal on the right side, encircled by a few of his advisors and four guards. More were stationed around the room on the Empire half. Opposite to him sat the Bright Queen. Staff held tightly in her hand, armor pristine and frightening. Power radiated from her, face not betraying any emotion. The High General slightly behind her to the right, guards stationed around the room.

Beau preferred to go back to punching a god. At least that had been straightforward. Fucking scary, but they did and won. Remembering how the thunderous sounds of battle had quietened. His death, or rather his permanent, hopefully this time, imprisonment leaving everything eerie silent. They, a ragtag group of misfits had actually saved the world.

They had limped towards each other, falling into each other. Panting, bruised and battered but alive. Relieved, and then the tension broke, sputtering as laughter bubbled up their throats. The heavy weight falling off them, months of doubts and fears. Moaning and groaning, they leaned on each other. Everything aching and between all the laughter of relief it had been easy to forget she was on burrowed time.

Yet, they still had to deal with the war. The Empire and the Kryn Dynasty had made progress. Negotiations doing well with even a permanent ceasefire on the horizon. Tension and hackles rising periodically only to be smoothed over. Now they were gathered for the start of a permanent ceasefire, a treaty between the two nations. Hoping to bring peace and prosperity to both. An end to the war.

Beau couldn’t imagine it and meeting Caleb’s gaze from further down the chamber, he couldn’t either. His shoulders were still hunched, but there was a hopeful glimmer, a slight twitch of his lips. She rolled her eyes as he schooled his features, hiding his hope.

They still had to bring Trent to justice, had to punch him and cut him into little pieces and throw them into the ocean. Perhaps then, Caleb wouldn’t hide his emotions anymore. Finally could stand up straight, not weighed down by his past and their haunting shadows. They would bring Trent to justice, give Caleb a much-needed bath and retire for the happily ever after like in Jester’s books.

Beau coughed again, eyes automatically searching for Jester, smiling and giving a subtle wave as Jester was already looking at her. Lips pulled into a thoughtful pout, which Beau saw even from across the room, before she enthusiastically waved back. Not at least intimidated or hindered by the tense atmosphere or the glaring guards besides her.

Beau chuckled as Jester mouthed an ‘I’m booooored’. Her fingers wiggling and Beau saw the traveler’s green magic gathering around them. Beau swallowed the rising petals, reading the mischief in Jester’s body language and sent her a scolding look. Shaking her head even as Jester pouted harder. ‘Later’ she mouthed, wiggling her eyebrows and Jester’s expression lit back up. Tail swishing back and forth behind her.

Beau turned her head to cough; wiping away the blood staining her lips as the floor shook. She stumbled as a loud explosion rocked the whole building. Catching herself on the wall, a second and third explosion went off. Dust and debris filling the room. She couldn’t see anything but sudden spells, fire, hearing the clink and clanks of swords hitting armour. Screams and shouts. Beau coughed again, in the next moment ducking beneath a spell.

A figure ran towards her and she reacted immediately, swinging with her staff. Connecting with flesh and knocking the legs out beneath her attacker. Without hesitation bringing her staff down to knock them unconscious. Walking into the direction she had last seen the Queen, knowing they had to protect her. Ducking and jabbing another attacker stumbling towards her in the throat. He had singed her vest and arms slightly.

Biting back another curse, she nearly lost her head as a staff swung over her, hitting another assailant and blasting him into a wall. The Bright Queen, teeth bared, standing there ready to strike. Only the High General’s grasp on her arms stopped her.

“Empress we need to leave.”

“Our people-“

“She is right, your majesty. We’ll try our best, I swear it, but you need to leave. This must be an ambush set for you.” Beau interrupted, hitting another attacker who got too close to comfort.

The Bright Queen hesitated, not wanting to leave her people but as a whole group of attackers headed for them she nodded. The High General guiding her into a portal.

“Ready to play?” Beau snarled, cracking her knuckles and the first one attacked.

Hitting into her ribs. Fists breaking bones. Spells cutting into her flesh. Fire burning her. A fist connecting with her jaw. Her ribs smarting and breath leaving her lungs as she was pushed back into debris. Stones digging into her back. Retaliating with a kick to a chest and a swift movement to break a neck. By another she used his knee to jump onto the next, breaking it. Knocking him out with a solid punch. The last one could not flee with his broken leg and she knocked him out too.

Her sight cleared a bit, the dust settling, sounds of fighting still all around her. Her lungs burned, and she heaved, vomiting blood and flowers. Falling nearly to her knees with the force of it. She had to find the others. The robes or more the scars on a few attacker's arms told her who was attacking.

The Cerberus Assembly. With them being the one to steal the beacon and stoking the flames of conflict, they should have expected this. They had thought Martinet Ludinus Da’leth could keep them in check and yet. Shit, they were either here to make the treaty fail or for Caleb. Or both the sick sonofabitch.

She concentrated, ignoring her watering eyes, seeking Caleb. Relieved as she saw Yasha fighting, a streak of green and Caduceus. Hoping Jester and Fjord were safe, she froze. Caleb. Near the giant glass windows, on his knees, head bent, long flaming hair hiding his face. Trent stood behind him with a malicious smile.

“Bren, you simply never stood a chance.” Beau heard while she stumbled closer, growling as Trent’s fingertips brushed over Caleb’s shoulder. “Goodbye, Bren.” He raised his hand for the killing blow and Beau reacted.

Dashing the last few meters and tackling Trent. The force enough with how close they were to the windows to crash both of them through them. From one moment to the next she was falling. Beau kept her grip on Trent, who feather falled. Shrugging her grip off a few meters above ground, making her hit cobblestone hard. Exactly where her ribs already ached and at least one broke.

Beau vomited again. She hacked, ringing for air.

“You!” Trent snarled, somewhere close.

Beau gasped, trying to sit up. To stand. To fight. But her lungs hurt, heart racing. Not able to breathe. She trembled. Muscles shaking.

“Interesting.” Trent murmured, far too close for comfort, and Beau lashed out. Hitting his legs, stumbling more than leaping on him. Her fist connected with his face regardless.

His nose breaking beneath it with a satisfying crack. Breathing shallowly, she punched and clawed. Everything aching, dizzy.

“Enough!” He shouted and her feet left the floor.

His magic gripping her by the throat and holding her up. Beau wheezed, trying to calm, to find a way out of it until his palm rested on her chest. His eyes closing and suddenly magic pulsed inside her.

Not at all like Caduceus soothing touch, his furred palm resting on her collarbones as he coaxed her into living a bit longer. Warm magic leaking into her, the smell of woods and moss filling her nose while breathing giy easier. Afterwards a certain sort of peace filling her for at least a few hours.

No, Trent’s magic curled inside her tugging and scratching and from one moment to the next she was back on her knees. Vomiting, coughing, hacking. Blood dripping, ears ringing, flowers, whole flowers hitting the floor. Incapable of breathing. She grasped at her throat, coughing, trying to free her airways.

Caleb’s voice boomed and a gigantic fire ball headed for Trent. “This ends here.“

She retched, vison darkening. A heartbeat. “BEAUREGARD! Atme verdammt nochmal!” Another. “Beau!” Her vision went black.

* * *

“Do something!”

“Save her-“

“I can’t-“

“She can’t die-“

“You have to save her-“

“Do something, anything-“

“Cut it out!”

* * *

Beau blinked up at the ceiling. Eyes hushing over the room confused. She inhaled only to cough, to hack. Everything burning as she tried to breathe.

“Slowly Miss. Beau.” A large hand settled on her back and familiar magic filled her. “It’s alright, everyone is safe.” She leaned back against the hand, her whole body trembling until the coughing slowly stopped.

“Caduceus?” Beau croaked.

“Save your strength. Everything is fine. Trent is dead, and they have signed the treaty. The others are with King Dwendal and the Bright Queen.”

Beau tried to sit up, even as it caused her to cough even more. Caduceus sighed, helping her up. “What happened?” Beau whispered, noticing she could only breathe shallowly.

“He hit you with a spell, from what I gathered it reversed everything the Wildmother and I did and worsened your condition.” He murmured, a forlorn frown on his face. “We were only able to help you because the amulet Jester gave you kept you alive long enough for us to arrive.” He nodded to the necklace, the symbol of the traveler she was wearing. “The others wanted to cut it out.”

Beau flinched, shying away from his touch. “I told them no, they were not happy about it.”

“It is my decision and if you are fine with it so should they be.”

“I respect your wishes but do not take my silence for agreement. You have not much time left and I’m not fine with that.” His calm, deep voice trembled and Beau bit her lip, watching tears gathering in his eyes.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Beau patted his back. “I’m gonna be like these really super cool flowers and you love flowers and seeing which flowers grow out of people and it’s the natural order, isn’t it? It’s gonna be fine, probably gonna be pretty rad.” Beau squeezed his shoulder awkwardly with how far she had to reach up. “This is my choice, and I made my peace with it, I mean I already lived longer than I thought I would and I got to cross out everything on my to do list before I croak.” She rubbed her neck.

“It’s true I like flowers, they are great but you Miss Beau are great too.”

Beau looked away from him. “C’mon I still have something I wanted to do.”

Caduceus nodded, reaching for her and she leaned against him as they walked out of the door.

They silently but under the watchful eyes of the guards made their way into a chamber, lit up by torches. No windows only two chairs, beautiful but not up to kingly standards. Still King Dwendal and the Bright Queen sat beside each other a few feet apart. The King with a few scratches marring his features while the Bright Queen looked untouched.

“By my power your past crimes are forgiven and you’ll be able to return to Nicodranas under the King’s protection.” King Dwendal declared and behind him, his right hand made note of it as Jester nodded.

The Mighty Nein were standing before the Majesties. Even from behind Beau could see the wear and tear, their hunched shoulders.

“Expositor Beauregard Lionett.” King Dwendal looked at her and she shifted away from Caduceus to not show weakness. “Your compatriots told us you were hurt in the battle and in need of bedrest.”

“I already feel better, King Dwendal, thank you for your concerns.” Beau bowed and turned to the Bright Queen, bowing a tad more deeply.

“I’m wiling to honor your deeds for Kingdom and Crown with a favor, if you so wished.” He waved his hand a bit dismissively.

“As am I.” The Bright Queen offered, looking down at them.

“If it was not asking too much, I would be very thankful if the Blooming Grove would be put under the King’s protection. The corruption of the Savalirwood harmed it enough.” Caduceus spoke up, leaning closer to her.

The King looked confused, shooting his advisors a glance but at their shrug, he nodded. “As I declare it so mote it be.”

“I have a request of my own.” Beau opened, patting her vest and taking out her notebook. “After much research regarding the Chained Oblivion, I of course also found much on the forbidden deities of the Empire.” She ignored the frown on the King’s face. “After much research, I found out that these deities were forbidden after a failed rebellion of priests against the Emperor. Bringing us to now where only six deities in the Empire may be worshipped.”

“Why the history lesson?” The king leaned back in his chair, fingers drumming on the chair rest.

“Because these deities were not always forbidden, and an Emperor decided to do so. With the treaty in place it is foreseeable that more citizens of the Kryn Dynasty will find their way here and Empire citizens will move into Kryn territories. The Dynasty has a law called freedom of religion, which allows everyone to believe in which god they choose.” Beau paused a moment, already noticing the tension of the advisors.

“I want to broaden the number of allowed deities in the Empire. After long and intense research I found the ones, who will pose no threat to the Empire. Rather the Empire will profit from them and the citizens might find enrichment in them.” Beau stepped forward, holding out her notes, which an advisor took.

Caduceus stepped up behind her and she rested subtly against him. After a while and hushed conversation between the King and his advisors, he spoke. “What are your reasons to bring this before me, I had the impression all members of the Cobalt Soul were worshippers of the Knowing Mistress.”

“The patron god of the Cobalt Soul is Loun and we are seekers of knowledge and secrets but we also try to right wrongs.”

“What have deities to do with righting wrongs?”

“Because people already worship those gods. Melora for example is the goddess of wilderness and the sea and many seaman pray to her.” Beau answered, pointing at her notes.

“The ban doesn't stop them. No matter the fines or the sentence, which comes with it. And those who get caught for illegal worship are mostly the less fortunate. The poor. They go to prison because they can’t pay the fines and end up their whole life working them off. Therewhile the rich have the meanings to hide their worship or pay off the guards or the state-“ Beau directly met the King’s gaze-“To look the other way. The banning of these gods will not stop the worship but only make it easier for false gods and other creatures to take hold in our society. I thought it important to bring it to your attention after all you are the protector of the realm.”

The King looked down at her, frowning, lips pursed. “The Wildmother, the Traveler, the Stormlord “ He went over her list, looked back to his advisors. “Effective immediately I lift the ban for the following deities. Send word to all corners of the Empire.”

“That means the one’s in prison because they worshipped those will be pardoned and released?” Beau dared to ask, seeing the King’s eyes flash for a moment while he glanced at the Bright Queen.

“They will be.” He muttered.

“The Cobalt Soul would be all too willing to help and oversee the release of those prisoners.” Yudala Fon spoke up for the first time, nodding at Beau.

Beau bowed. “Thank you, King Dwendal.”

He waved them away and Beau sighed as Caduceus put an arm around her. Noticing the smile on his face and dared to look at the other’s whose expressions were a mix of relief, gratefulness and concern. Only Jester had instead one of those an icy glare directed at Beau.

* * *

Beau stared down at the city below, leaning on her crossed arms on top of the balustrade. Inhaling the cold night air, offering sweet relief for her burning throat. The air rattled inside her chest, sounding like a bad cold. It hadn’t been easy to shake of the others, demanding answers, waiting for excuses or apologies Beau was too tired to give. Caduceus had shooed them away, leading her back to the rooms reserved for them and put her on bed rest. Beau scoffed at the idea, regretting it a moment later as it lead to another coughing fit.

Fuck dying in a bed. In a smooth movement she pulled herself up on the railing, finding quickly her equilibrium before she slipped off. She wouldn’t survive a fall from this height. She balanced on top of it.

Death didn’t frighten Beau. She had been prepared to die before and even more after Molly. Ready to be snuffed out in one of their poorly planned adventures.

Yet here she was still alive after everything. After the Chained Oblivion and all the other challenges thrown their way.

Beau stepped lightly along the railing. A heartbeat. A step-

“Are you so keen on dying?”

Beau flinched, catching herself. Cursing, heart racing, she jumped back down. “Fuck, Jester! You can’t just sneak up on someone like that.” Beau grumbled, rubbing her chest where she could feel her heart racing. “Jes?” Beau’s brows furrowed at Jester’s grim, serious face.

Her own tiny smile falling as she noticed Jester’s tail flicking behind her agitatedly. Violet eyes blazing like when she was using magic in the middle of a battle.

“I asked if you wanted to die.” Arms crossed, voice emotionless, icy only a slight tremble as she said die.

Beau glanced away, crossing her own arms, fingers drumming on them. Her rattling breathing the only thing disturbing the silence. “Not in particular.” She shrugged nonchalantly.

She lost her standoffish demeanor as she was shoved back into the balustrade with force. Her protest silenced when Jester poked her chest. “This is not funny.” Jester growled, reminding Beau of the times she spoke Infernal and out of the corners of her eyes, she saw ice appearing all over the balcony. “This is not okay. You lied.” Jester broke their gaze. “You lied to the group, you lied to me.” Jester poked her chest again, fury in her eyes even with her lower lip trembling. “You lied.”

Beau bit the inside of her cheeks until she tasted blood. “What else did you lie about? You promised not to, but you did. Did you lie when you said you weren’t avoiding me? Did you lie when you told the gnoll wherever I went you would follow?” Jester raised her chin and Beau could see tears gathering in her eyes. “Did you lie when you said you loved me?” The air grew even colder and Jester bravely glared up at her but Beau easily heard the masked pain, the desperation lacing Jester’s words.

“I did not.” Beau breathed, gingerly covering Jester’s hand on her chest with her own, relieved as Jester didn’t immediately shook it off. “I swear to you, I didn’t, I would never lie about that.” Beau tightened her light grip a bit. “And life isn’t about wishing and wanting, Jes. You know it, I know it, life doesn’t work that way and death comes for us all.” Beau shrugged again.

“That doesn’t-, you can’t-, I can’t-, Beau-“ Jester trailed off, voice thick with tears.

“Don’t wanna.” Beau admitted. “I didn’t lie. I never wanted to lie to you, Jester.” Beau gently wiped away the tears rolling down Jester’s cheeks. “Please don’t cry for me, I do not deserve your tears.” Beau’s own breathing hitched. “I never wanted to hurt you.” Jester let out a sob and closed the rest of the distance between them.

Wrapping herself around Beau so tightly as if her embrace alone would be capable of keeping Beau with her. “Then don’t.” Jester mumbled into her neck, lips brushing over her skin with how close she was. “Please don’t.”

Beau looked up at the night sky, holding Jester more tightly to herself. “I wish it was as easy as that.”

“What if it is?” Jester leaned back to look at Beau. “Maybe it would have been that easy.” Jester clutched with one hand the symbol of the traveler resting on Beau’s chest.

“I’m not cutting it.” Beau said more sharply as intended.

“That’s not what I meant.” Jester mumbled, biting her lip. “Even if I don’t understand how you could not. You have been in pain for months, you are literally going to die because of it.” Jester’s tail froze, standing straight up. “Love isn’t supposed to do that, love isn’t supposed to hurt.”

Beau coughed, turning slightly and waving off Jester’s concern. “They’re my feelings. They are like a part of me and I mean I stopped trying to be something I’m not, stopped trying not to feel.” Beau rubbed her neck. “To be honest, I kinda guessed love would be like that and we both know I don’t deal in supposed to’s and in a way it’s only fitting for me.” Beau licked her lips, holding her neck tightly. “In a way it’s also proof that I’m capable of feeling it.” Beau whispered, looking at the floor.

“Love?” Jester asked, not stopping for her to answer. “Of course you are.” Jester cupped her cheek, her voice inflected with her you’re being stupid tone as her thumb moved along Beau’s jaw. “Every time you are the first one to jump into the fight, protecting us, I see it. Every time you steady Caleb, getting him out of his head or support Fjord, I see it. Or when you draw dicks into books because I told you too or pull the blankets back up when I kick them off in my sleep. Every time you get hit so not one of us would.” Jester paused, pursing her lips.

“Which we also need to have a talk about again. I mean I told you I would always heal you back up, obviously, and I don’t want you to die, which I told you but you are still not being careful enough and what if I’m too far away or if we don’t have diamonds to bring you back or-, why are you grinning like that? This is serious, Beau!” Jester stomped her foot and Beau couldn’t stop herself from laughing at her disgruntled expression.

Yelping as Jester poked her into her sides. “Don’t! Stop laughing, Beau!” Jester glared at her until Beau held her hands up in surrender, her glare turning into a pout.

“This is serious, Beau, you’re capable of love and worthy of receiving it.” Beau flushed, glancing away from Jester’s intense gaze. “Sometime we have to visit your parents so I can show them what I think of them in person.”

“Jester!”

“What technically you said I couldn’t or rather shouldn’t keep fucking with your father with sending, you technically didn’t say I couldn’t do it in person and after all they deserve it for being dickheads and not telling you how amazing and cool and good at punching things you are. I told Yasha too.” Jester nodded, emphasizing her points, the bells and chains hanging from her horns jingling.

It was endearing and Beau had to cough again before she realized what Jester had said. “What? What do you mean you told Yasha? What did you tell her?”

“I may have been a little bit forceful.” Jester held her fingers apart a little bit. “Maybeee a little angry and I may or may not have shouted at her for causing you pain and that if she wasn’t going to tell you that you are totally cool and really beautiful and that she loved you I might turn her into a rabbit.”

“Wait what?” Beau grasped the bridge of her nose, pushing down her endearment at Jester’s sheepish expression, the way her lower lip jutted out as she wrung her own tail.

“Stop being cute.” Beau admonished while Jester’s expression brightened. “I can’t tell you off when you look like that. You gotta apologize to Yasha, this is not fair to her, and she isn’t why this is happening.” Beau gestured vaguely over her chest area.

“Oh, I know.” Jester replied. “And I will.”

“What do you mean, y’know?”

Jester looked away. “I thought it was wishful thinking, you know? And at first I wasn’t even sure what it all meant. Because I never had a best friend beside the traveler and I didn’t really think about how I always sleep better beside you. Or why I don’t want you to sleep in your own room or do stuff on your own without me and that playing pranks is always more fun with you.“

“Jester what are you saying?” Beau inquired at Jester’s sudden silence.

Freezing as Jester, this time cupped both her cheeks. “I told you, you were being stupid.”

“I’m no-“ Jester pulled her down and kissed her.

Softly, carefully, the simplest brush of lips before Jester leaned up more. Fingertips trailing over Beau’s longer grown fuzz of her undercut. Lips meeting hers more insistent. Beau’s mind exploded like one of Nott’s special arrows. Everything screeching to a halt. Slowly relaxing, sinking into the gentle affection. Her lungs collapsing in her chest under Jester’s tender touch, under everything Jester meant to her.

“Please don’t do this because you think it will save my life.” Beau mumbled pleadingly against Jester’s lips. Heart aching as forbidden hope curled around it.

“I love you.” Jester rested her forehead against Beau’s. “And I’m still mad that you kept this from me.” She added, rubbing their noses together. “I told you it could have been easy if you just had talked to me.” Jester held her tightly, expression so soft and open. “And this is how love’s supposed to feel like.” Jester whispered, capturing Beau’s lips again.

One hand trailing from Beau’s cheeks down over her throat until it rested over her racing heart.

“We could have been kissing like this for ageees, Beau.” Jester broke the kiss, whining and nose adorably crinkling. “I mean all the cuddling we missed and the hand holding and everything.” Jester huffed, kissing her again. “And I’m mad you hid how much you were in pain from me. I’m the cleric, remember?”

Beau hummed, opening her eyes. “I’ll just gonna have to earn your forgiveness, won’t I?” Beau grinned, still in disbelief and Jester as if she could sense it, rolled her eyes and kissed her again.

Pulling her even closer and nipping with her fangs at Beau’s bottom lip. Releasing it with a pop as they broke the kiss. Giggling and tracing with her thumb over Beau’s lower lip as she tried to follow.

“You’ll just have to.” Jester nodded, grinning up at her and Beau hummed happily as Jester snuggled closer, nuzzling into her neck. “And I’m going to show you that love doesn’t have to hurt.”

Beau blinked, forcing herself not to cry instead placing a feather light kiss on Jester’s temple. Inhaling and exhaling easier with every breathe she took in Jester’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,  
> like always I hope you enjoyed reading! :)  
> This is my first work for this fandom and english is not my first language therefore I'm always looking to improve. So if you see any mistakes it would be nice if you let me know! The title is from 'Beautiful Ghosts' by Taylor Swift also a few snippets are directly from Critical Role.  
> Thank you for reading and until next time! :)


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